The L Word
Dating (professional or otherwise) comes with the gamut of emotions: lust, excitement, nervousness, infatuation, and joy. These uncommonly powerful emotions amalgamate into a powerful force, we call Love. My goal is to discern these component emotions that we frequently group together; as well as examine their individual roles in the client/companion relationship.
Let’s begin the simplest of emotions: Pure sexual desire. The blood rushing from your head down to your genitals. Neurologically, certain parts of our brain activate as sexual arousal fills our minds. It’s triggered by hormones, pheromones, fetishes, and very subtle details in our object of desire that we can’t consciously comprehend. It’s the ancient, primal drive for reproduction.
Above lust, we have infatuation. It the jittery feelings of excitement we feel when we think about someone. It’s that happy secret smile that keeps sneaking onto your face for days after your first date. It’s day dreaming about someone constantly. It can border on obsession. It’s attraction to a fantasy of a person. It’s wanting. It’s selfish. It’s shallow. What causes it? Again, hormones, as well as oxytocin released from physical touch.
Moments of love or micro-moments of connection define a deeper feeling1. They’re not sexual and can occur between any two individuals, even strangers. Some examples are partner dancing; a long, meaningful hug; holding hands; looking at your lover smiling at you from across the room; love-making so intense it makes you cry. These treasured moments of micro-connection are associated with trust, vulnerability, care, and protection.
Finally, we have Love. Love isn’t an emotion. Love is a verb. It’s a conscious choice. It’s caring for someone in an active way. Helping them when they need help. Being there when they need someone to be there. It’s emotional labor. It’s not easy. It can hurt. It’s selfless. Sometimes it requires giving up a part of yourself or your relationship to give your loved one happiness. Love is built on a strong foundation of moments of love – I believe it couldn’t exist without them – but, it’s not a raw emotion, but rather an active commitment to someone.
Does love belong in companionship?
Yes, but it takes time and may not be for everyone. You’ll experience lust and infatuation frequently in your professional dating life. Moments of love are rarer. That kind of deep connection can be addicting, especially when paired with sexual desire, but the choice to love is entirely up to you. You are paying a companion to form a world with you at its center. (She’s attentive, makes you feel special, helps you through your problems.) When you choose to love, you are putting both of you at its center. That’s a drastic shift. You are caring for her instead of she just caring for you. And as I mentioned, love can be difficult and come with costs.
I personally find loving client/companion relationships to be one of the most fulfilling parts of my career. The key to a healthy relationship is maintaining boundaries and good communication.
The financial exchange puts a wall around this micro world. Yes, do love, but don’t let it run wild outside the boundaries of the box. Learn to compartmentalize, enjoy every moment of your time together, but close the box and don’t let your feelings seep out of it. You don’t want it to affect the rest of your life. It’s not necessarily easy to learn to compartmentalize, but it’s a skill you can pick up. Communicate frequently with your companion and make sure your respecting her boundaries. Focus on other things in life that give you joy and your non-romantic friendships.
Sophia, what about your experiences with love?
Mutual love is one of the most rewarding aspects of my job. My empathy and general care for humanity, which make me successful at my job, also make me crave the reward of human connection. Our relationship is going to be much more satisfying if our connection is mutual, and we are equally excited to see each other. Getting to know someone so well, sharing experiences together, changing and growing together is an essential part of the human experience and provides it’s own reward. I have built a few amazing friendships, where love is exchanged. As an example: a close client of mine recently performed emotional labor for me without expecting anything in return. Normally the roles are reversed: clients normally pay me to help them work through their problems. What he did is an act of love, and I feel very lucky to have built friendships that I believe will persist if/when professional relationship ends.
A few months ago, I made a change in my business that allows more potential for loving relationships. I’m a pretty terrible liar, but for most of my career I’ve adopted a persona a barrier between my clients and me. This is very common for companions and can be an effective marketing tool. It was semi-translucent barrier: you could see me underneath but the detail was obscured. It made me feel protected, but it was difficult to maintain and stressed me out emotionally. I felt like I wasn’t being honest. A few months ago, I chose to take off my mask and just be myself. It’s been incredibly gratifying, has done wonders for my mental health. It also leaves a lot more room for love to grow in my relationships with my clients.
While I highly encourage a healthy, loving relationship, it’s important to keep it healthy. As feelings intensify, it can be tempting to want to merge the fantasy world you have created with reality. Remember that this is her job and keeping your relationship perfect takes a lot of work on her part. Always respect and compensate her for her time. It’s ok for her to love her job – and you – and still get paid for it. Isn’t that the ideal we all strive for in our professional lives? To earn a living doing something we love? Don’t take her interest in you as an excuse to pay her less or start dissolving boundaries. If we did all our work we love for free, we’d be out of a job.
You may have heard stories about companions dating their clients – yes, I have dated a client, too. It does happen – but it’s probably as rare as a therapist dating a patient. Never ever approach her to loosen or break the walls of your professional relationship. Really. Ever. If she wants to change the boundaries of your relationship in any way, she will approach you. If she chooses to date you, she’s losing a big source of income and one of her very best clients.
Let emotions into your relationship. Choose to love. Keep it constrained, but let it thrive.